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October 09, 2015

Rude but heartfelt plea to DC's talented, independent, ever-expanding GenY women attorneys.

To the District of Columbia's oversupply of rotund GenY professional women, especially lawyers:

1. Whoa. What's going on? You girls beefin' up, or what? Ladies in their twenties and thirties typically emulate Audrey Hepburn--not Kim Davis. This is Washington, D.C. It's the East Coast--not Flint, Cincinnati or Omaha. Listen. Young women here need not be big enough to have their own zip codes. Dang.

2. Yes, I know that law students during those three years are famously unfit--yes, same with the guys--and it's hard to get through school, interviews, take the bar exam and start that plum job looking like a total Betty. However, being fleshy, fat or generally dumpy and unhealthy are not yet suspect classes for 5th and 14th Amendment purposes. No ADA safe harbor or affirmative action bootstrapping yet.

3. Yes, you will work, live, look and feel better if you exercise 30 minutes four times a week.

4. No, I don't want to date you folks. You're too young. And you're too busy and happy pursuing your infamous sport-hobby of slowly, incrementally, steadily finishing the job of neutering your spineless same-aged boyfriends to be doing 10Ks and triathlons every weekend. I get it.

5. But, ladies, you're putting the Big Hurt on my vision. Bike rentals, gyms & jogging paths are at every corner in this world class city. Try the crystal meth. Dirt cheap, I hear. Something. Blimey.

audrey on bike.jpg
Audrey Hepburn riding a bike.

Posted by JD Hull at October 9, 2015 06:23 PM


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