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July 10, 2016

105 Things Long-Divorced Yank Lawyers Know.

Paris 1952.jpg
Paris 1952: Willy Maywald, Mannequin en tailleur quai Saint-Michel.


1. Never swive anyone named Zoe, Brigit or Natasha.

2. Let no one leave anything at your house.

3. Don't buy cheap shoes.

4. Shoe trees. Cedar. The most expensive.

5. Sorry. The Havard Bluebook is always important.

6. British women don't really like British men.

7. Have a coworker in same room if you interview someone.

8. Completely legal interviews are not very informative.

9. Don't jump to hire law grads with blue collar backgrounds. Some think they've arrived and are done.

10. Women make better associate lawyers.

11. On documents Rules 34 and 45 do different things. Know what.

12. If you travel, cats not dogs.

13. Very attractive women think they're ugly.

14. Very attractive men are delusional.

15. Irish, Welsh, Finnish and Afro-American women are totally and forever in charge. They are heroes.

16. A disproportionate number of Irish people are drunks.

17. A disproportionate number of Irish people are verbally and lyrically gifted.

18. Jewish doctors do not get Irish, English or German drunks. Have a cookie instead?

19. Jews and Italians are the best drinkers. They have rules. They have the genes.

20. The Jews really are it. Consistently awesome and world-changing tribe for 2500 years.

21. Well-dressed Russian women are cheap, treacherous and insane.


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The Cardsharps, Caravaggio, c. 1594

22. Most lawyers dislike being lawyers. It shows.

23. Lawyers are less well-rounded every decade.

24. Super-smart and super-nice kids--without lots more--make lousy lawyers.

25. There are at most 35 truly excellent American colleges and universities. It shows when you meet their grads.

27. Parisian men are not as insecure, jealous or violent as other men. Let's just talk about this, Luc, okay?

28. Never be impressed by Phi Beta Kappas.

29. Always be impressed by Marshall scholars, Rhodes scholars and Wesleyan grads.

30. Have at least 4 impeccable suits. They should be expensive but need not be tailored.

31. Don't wear bow ties every day. Almost every day is fine.

32. Cuffs on all long pants except jeans and tuxes. Khaki? Summer only.

33. Twice a month you should dress like a pimp from a New Orleans whorehouse.

34. Saabs can be driven forever. They like to go fast.

35. Know who you are. Learn if you can family history back 8 generations at least.

36. Talk to people on elevators. All of them.

37. Don't do Europe with other Americans.

38. Just 2 cats.

39. Most people are very happy going through life as Turds. Get used to it.

40. When in Rome, do as many Romans as you can. ~ Hugh Grant, Brit actor

41. Always attribute--especially when you think no one will notice. They do.

42. Sometimes more than one person thinks up the same unique thing.

43. Don't let people tell you who you are.

44. The Internet teems with folks telling you what you must do/think/say/write. Get off your knees.

45. Always talk to jurors post-verdict.

46. One juror will always surprise you big time. Learn who that is before you close.

47. Don't communicate in any manner ever with that one female juror who seemed to like you a lot.

48. Women are meaner, more vindictive and more treacherous than men.

49. The dumbest woman is 100 times more complex than the smartest man.

50. Most men are easy to suss. Not much going on with most of them.

51. Rule 36, Fed.R.Civ.P., my friend.

52. Rule 56(d) is misunderstood.

53. Civil RICO is an unintended consequence.

54. Seldom watch television.

55. Dads don't get a pass for merely siring. So what?

56. All moms suffer.

57. Your mom is your best friend.

58. Buenos Aires has the best-looking people on this planet.

59. Lovemaking probably cannot be learned.

60. Love can be learned.

61. There are no lapsed or recovering Catholics. This is not bad.

62. Jewish women rarely have great legs.

63. Japanese woman have the best legs.

AAA Gargoles.jpg

64. Jewish women are good lovers.

65. Japanese women are the best helpmates.

66. Hopelessly insane WASP women are the best lovers.

67. Fewer people should become parents or lawyers.

68. Brown shoes go well with grey suits. No one knows why.

69. Your handkerchief should never match your tie.

70. We need to bring suspenders back.

71. Being right is expensive.

72. The Dutch have no use for Italians.

73. Most Italians view Germans as classless.

74. The English diss anyone who is not English. This will not stop.

75. The French are playful.

76. The Irish are playful, but in a different way.

77. Women in Prague are not playful.

78. Trust no one in Budapest.

79. Don't tell people you just met your problems. They don't care. They shouldn't care.

80. Copy someone on every letter.

81. "Never write a letter. Never throw one away."

82. Many Jewish men are overly-suspicious. There's a good reason for this. Work with it.

83. Irish guys talk too much. There's no reason for it. Work with it.

84. Keep an open mind. Your cat could be an ET.

85. Be nice to important people who just had a downfall. Don't pile on. They'll be back.

86. Beware of the lily white.

88. Beware of people with no enemies.

89. Tighten up, like Archie Bell & The Drells.

90. Jimmy Page & Eric Clapton worked a lot harder than you did.

91. 100% screaming in-your-face male homosexuals are not okay. Tell them to fuck off.

92. 100% screaming in-your-face religious evangelists are not okay. Tell them to fuck off.

93. Persian women make too much noise.

94. There are 3128 people worldwide who can drink or say the word "fuck" properly. You're not one of them.

95. "Dogs have owners. Cats have staff."

96. Nothing is more important than a first kiss.

97. Lots of women kiss badly.

98. Write hand-written thank you notes.

99. The Arts are "central to life, rather than an add-on, like some set of alloy wheels." --Julian Barnes.

100. Coffee and sugar drive Everything.

101. Ritual and trivia are important.

103. Try not to raise ritual and trivia to an art form.

104. Little things are important. Figure out which ones.

105. Zimmerman was right. You gotta serve somebody.

Posted by JD Hull at July 10, 2016 11:59 PM

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