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February 20, 2020

107 Things Long-Divorced Slightly Amoral American Lawyers Know.

1. Swive no one named Zoe, Brigit or Natasha.

2. Let no one leave anything in your home or hotel room.

3. Don't buy cheap shoes.

4. Shoe trees. Cedar.

5. The Bluebook: A Uniform System of Citation (1926-present) is always important.

6. Most British women don't like British men.

7. Legal interviews don't tell you much.

8. Have a coworker in same room if you interview someone.

9. Don't jump to hire law grads with blue collar backgrounds. Some think they've arrived and are done.

10. Women make better associate lawyers.

11. On documents, Rule 34 (Production of Documents and Things) and Rule 45 (Subpoena) of the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure do very different things. Know what they are.

12, Dogs are the best thing about this planet.

13. Cats not dogs if you travel.

14. Great-looking women think they're ugly.

15. Great-looking men are a tad delusional.

16. Irish, Welsh, Finnish, Ethiopian and Afro-American women are heroes. Forever in charge. Enduring.

17. A disproportionate number of Irish people are drunks.

18. A disproportionate number of Irish people are verbally or lyrically gifted.

19. Jewish doctors do not understand Irish, English and German drunks.

20. Jews and Italians are the best drinkers. They have rules. They have genes.

21. The Jews are It. Consistently awesome and world-changing tribe for 2500 years.

22. Well-dressed Russian women are cheap, treacherous and insane.

The Cardsharps, Caravaggio, c. 1594

23. For decades the wrong people have gone to law school.

24. Lawyers are less well-educated and well-rounded every decade.

25. Most lawyers dislike lawyering.

26. There are at about 40 exceptional American colleges and universities.

27. Do one silly thing every day.

28. Never be impressed by Phi Beta Kappas.

29. Always be impressed by Marshall scholars, Rhodes scholars and Williams grads.

30. Have at least 3 impeccable suits. They should be expensive but need not be tailored.

31. Don't wear bow ties every day. Almost every day is fine.

32. Cuffs on all long pants except jeans and tuxedo trousers.

33. Wear khaki pants and suits or seersucker suits in Summer. Summer means Memorial Day to Labor Day.

34. Twice a month dress like a pimp from a New Orleans whorehouse.

35. Know who you are. Learn family history back five generations.

36. Talk to people on elevators. All of them.

37. Don't do Europe with other Americans.

38. Just 2 cats.

39. People are happy going through life as turds.

40. When in Rome, do as many Romans as you can.

- Hugh Grant (b. 1960)

KellsFol292rIncipJohn (1).jpg


41. Always attribute--especially when you think no one will notice.

42. More than one person may have the same original thought.

43. Never let people tell you who you are.

44. Never let people tell you how to feel, think, act, write or speak.

45. Always talk to jurors post-verdict.

46. One juror will always surprise you big time. Learn who that is before you close.

47. Don't communicate in any manner ever with that one female juror who seemed to like you a lot.

48. Women are meaner, more vindictive and more treacherous than men.

49. The dumbest woman is 100 times more complex than the smartest man.

50. Most men are simple. Not that much going on.

51. Rule 36 (Requests for Admissions), my friend.

52. Rule 56(d) ('When facts are unavailable to the non-movant') is misunderstood.

53. Civil RICO is an unintended consequence. Use it the right way.

54. Seldom watch television.

55. All Moms suffer.

56. Your Mom is your best friend.

57. Buenos Aires has the best-looking people on this planet.

58. Lovemaking probably cannot be learned.

59. Love can be learned.

60. There are no lapsed or recovering Catholics.

61. All British women are named Lucy, Pippa or Jane.

62. Jewish women rarely have great legs.

63. Jewish women are good lovers.

64. Japanese women are the best helpmates.

65. Slightly insane WASP women are the best lovers.

66. Fewer people should become parents or lawyers.

67. Brown shoes go well with gray suits. No one knows why.

68. Your handkerchief should never match your tie.

70. Suspenders (or braces) are superior to belts.

71. Being Right is expensive.

72. No prayer is imperfect.

73. 'Thank you' is a prayer.

74. The English diss anyone non-English. This will not stop.

75. The French are playful.

76. The Irish are playful, but in a different way.

77. Women in Prague are not playful.

78. Zimmerman was right. You gotta serve somebody.

79. Don't tell people you just met your problems. They don't care.

80. Copy someone on every letter.

81. "Never write a letter. Never throw one away."

82. Many Jewish men are overly-suspicious. There's a reason for this. Work with it.

83. Irish guys talk too much. There's no reason for this. Work with it.

84. Never needlessly anger Sicilians, the Irish, the Welsh or Scots.

85. Be nice to important people who just had a downfall. Don't pile on. They'll be back.

86. 'Beware of the lily white.'

- J. Dan Hull, Jr. (1900-1988)

87. God was not kind to women.

88. Avoid people with no enemies.

89. Tighten up. Like Archie Bell & The Drells.

90. Jimmy Page and Eric Clapton worked a lot harder than you did.

91. Attitude is more important than Facts.

92. At work co-workers do one of two things: help you or hold you back.

93. Persian women make too much noise.

94. Tribes are important.

95. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

- Ellen Jane Bry (b. 1956)

96. Nothing is more important than a first kiss.

97. Lots of women kiss badly.

98. Write prompt handwritten thank you notes. Use Crane's, at a minimum.

99. The Arts are 'central to life, rather than an add-on, like some set of alloy wheels.'

- Julian Barnes (b. 1946)

100. Coffee and sugar drive everything.

101. Ritual, minutia and irrationality are important.

102. Men say the vilest possible things to each other they don't mean.

103. Women say the nicest possible things to each other they don't mean.

104. Keep no ledgers on what people do for you.

105. Humans are Nuts. Get used to it.

106. End all talks, meetings and writings on a high note.

107. Trust no one in Budapest.

41. Always attribute--especially when you think no one will notice.

42. More than one person may have the same original thought.

43. Never let people tell you who you are.

44. Never let people tell you how to feel, think, act, write or speak.

45. Always talk to jurors post-verdict.

46. One juror will always surprise you big time. Learn who that is before you close.

47. Don't communicate in any manner ever with that one female juror who seemed to like you a lot.

48. Women are meaner, more vindictive and more treacherous than men.

49. The dumbest woman is 100 times more complex than the smartest man.

50. Most men are simple. Not that much going on.

51. Rule 36 (Requests for Admissions), my friend.

52. Rule 56(d) ('When facts are unavailable to the non-movant') is misunderstood.

53. Civil RICO is an unintended consequence. Use it the right way.

54. Seldom watch television.

55. All Moms suffer.

56. Your Mom is your best friend.

57. Buenos Aires has the best-looking people on this planet.

58. Lovemaking probably cannot be learned.

59. Love can be learned.

60. There are no lapsed or recovering Catholics.

61. All British women are named Lucy, Pippa or Jane.

62. Jewish women rarely have great legs.

63. Jewish women are good lovers.

64. Japanese women are the best helpmates.

65. Slightly insane WASP women are the best lovers.

66. Fewer people should become parents or lawyers.

67. Brown shoes go well with gray suits. No one knows why.

68. Your handkerchief should never match your tie.

70. Suspenders (or braces) are superior to belts.

71. Being Right is expensive.

72. No prayer is imperfect.

73. 'Thank you' is a prayer.

74. The English diss anyone non-English. This will not stop.

75. The French are playful.

76. The Irish are playful, but in a different way.

77. Women in Prague are not playful.

78. Zimmerman was right. You gotta serve somebody.

79. Don't tell people you just met your problems. They don't care.

80. Copy someone on every letter.

81. "Never write a letter. Never throw one away."

82. Many Jewish men are overly-suspicious. There's a reason for this. Work with it.

83. Irish guys talk too much. There's no reason for this. Work with it.

84. Never needlessly anger Sicilians, the Irish, the Welsh or Scots.

85. Be nice to important people who just had a downfall. Don't pile on. They'll be back.

86. 'Beware of the lily white.'

- J. Dan Hull, Jr. (1900-1988)

87. God was not kind to women.

88. Avoid people with no enemies.

89. Tighten up. Like Archie Bell & The Drells.

90. Jimmy Page and Eric Clapton worked a lot harder than you did.

91. Attitude is more important than Facts.

92. At work co-workers do one of two things: help you or hold you back.

93. Persian women make too much noise.

94. Tribes are important.

95. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

- Ellen Jane Bry (b. 1956)

96. Nothing is more important than a first kiss.

97. Lots of women kiss badly.

98. Write prompt handwritten thank you notes. Use Crane's, at a minimum.

99. The Arts are 'central to life, rather than an add-on, like some set of alloy wheels.'

- Julian Barnes (b. 1946)

100. Coffee and sugar drive everything.

101. Ritual, minutia and irrationality are important.

102. Men say the vilest possible things to each other they don't mean.

103. Women say the nicest possible things to each other they don't mean.

104. Keep no ledgers on what people do for you.

105. Humans are Nuts. Get used to it.

106. End all talks, meetings and writings on a high note.

107. Trust no one in Budapest.

Originally published July 10,2016

Posted by JD Hull at February 20, 2020 11:59 PM

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