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March 22, 2024

Newly Improved and Righteous: 107 Things Long-Divorced Amoral Lawyers Know

WJC and writer, January 1, 2009, noon, Charleston

1. Date no one named Zoe, Brigit or Natasha.

2. No one you just met can leave anything in your home or hotel room.

3. Don't do the au pairs.

4. All British women are named Lucy, Pippa or Jane.

5. British women never like British men.

6. The Bluebook: A Uniform System of Citation, the most widely used legal citation system in the United States, was first published in 1926. It is always important.

7. Legal or woke interviews don't tell you much.

8. Have a co-worker in same room if you interview someone.

9. Don't jump to hire law grads with blue collar backgrounds. Some think they've arrived and are done.

10. Women make better associate lawyers.

11. On documents, Rule 34 (Production of Documents and Things) and Rule 45 (Subpoena) of the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure do very different things. Know what they are.

12. Dogs are the best thing about this planet.

13. Cats not dogs if you travel.

14. Great looking women think they're ugly.

15. Pay attention to little things.

16. Irish, Welsh, Finnish, Ethiopian and Afro-American women are heroes. Forever in charge. Enduring.

17. A disproportionate number of Irish people are drunks.

18. A disproportionate number of Irish people are verbally or lyrically gifted.

19. Jewish doctors do not understand Irish, English, German or Russian drunks.

20. Jews and Italians are the best drinkers. They have the genes. They have rules.

21. The Jews are It. A consistently awesome and world changing tribe for 2500 years.

22. Russian women are cheap, treacherous and insane.

23. For decades the wrong people have gone to law school.

24. Lawyers are less well educated, less well rounded and less culturally literate every decade.

25. Narcissists get stuff done.

26. There are at about 40 exceptional American colleges and universities.

27. Do one absurd or silly thing every day.

28. Never be impressed by Phi Beta Kappas.

29. Always be impressed by Marshall scholars.

30. Have at least 3 impeccable suits.

31. Don't wear bow ties every day. Almost every day is fine.

32. Cuffs on all long pants except jeans and dinner jacket trousers.

33. Wear khaki pants and suits or seersucker suits in summer. Summer is Memorial Day to Labor Day.

34. Twice a month dress like a pimp from a New Orleans whorehouse.

35. Learn your family history on both sides back at least four generations. Know who you are.

36. Talk to people on elevators. All of them.

37. Don't do Europe with other Americans.

38. Just 2 cats.

39. If you drink, master Sheehan's Rule: "If I don't remember it, I didn't do it."

40. When in Rome, do as many Romans as you can. ~ Hugh Grant (b. 1960)

41. Always attribute. Especially when you think no one will notice.

42. Leave the campsite better than you found it.

43. Never let anyone tell you how to feel, think, act, write or speak.

44. Never let anyone tell you who you are.

45. One juror will always surprise you big time. Learn who that is before you close

46. Always talk to jurors post-verdict.

47. Never communicate in any manner ever with that one female juror who seemed to like you.

48. Women are meaner, more vindictive and more treacherous than men.

49. The dumbest woman is 100 times more complex than the smartest man.

50. Men are simple. There is not much going on.

51. Rule 36 (Requests for Admissions), my friend.

52. Rule 56(d) (When facts are unavailable to the non-movant) is misunderstood.

53. Civil RICO is an unintended consequence. Use it the right way.

54. Seldom watch television.

55. Every Mom suffers.

56. Your Mom is your best friend.

57. Buenos Aires has the best looking people on this planet.

58. Great lovemaking cannot be learned.

59. Love can be learned.

60. There are no lapsed or recovering Catholics.

61. Don't buy cheap shoes.

62. Shoe trees. Cedar.

63. Jewish women never have great legs.

64. Japanese women are the best helpmates.

65. Slightly insane WASP women are the best lovers.

66. People born after 1980 should not have babies, jobs or dogs.

67. Brown shoes go well with gray suits. No one knows why.

68. Your handkerchief should never match your tie.

69. Nothing good takes just 10 minutes.

70. Being right is expensive.

71. No prayer is imperfect.

72. The best prayer says thank you.

73. Not caring what people think is a superpower.

74. The English look down on anyone non-English. This will not stop.

75. The French and Irish are playful.

76. Eastern Europeans are not playful.

77. When your mouth is dry, you know you're plenty high. ~ George Thorogood

78. Don't tell people you just met your problems.

79. Copy someone on every letter.

80. Never write a letter. Never throw one away. ~ Unknown

81. Jewish men are overly-suspicious. There are reasons for it. Work with it.

82. Irish men talk too much. There are no reasons for it. Work with it.

83. Never needlessly anger the Irish, the Welsh, Scots or Sicilians.

84. Be nice to people who just had a downfall. Don't pile on. They'll be back.

85. Avoid people with no enemies.

86. Beware of the lily white. ~ J. Dan Hull, Jr. (b. 1900)

87. Employees who say they'll double-check never checked the first time.

88. Don't celebrate victories too long.

89. Jimmy Page and Eric Clapton worked harder than you did.

90. Attitude is more important than facts.

91. Employees either help you or hold you back. Nothing in between.

92. Persian women make too much noise.

93. Tribes are always important.

94. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff. ~ Ellen Jane Bry

95. Nothing is more important than a first kiss.

96. Don’t hire broke or broken people.

97. Write prompt handwritten thank you notes.

98. The arts are central to life. They are not optional. ~ Julian Barnes

99. Plan for surprises.

100. Resist perfectionism.

101. Each person has a thousand selves. ~ Hermann Hesse

102. Men say the vilest possible things to each other they don't mean.

103. Women say the nicest possible things to each other they don't mean.

104. Everyone you meet is not in your mood.

105. You will never know anyone's entire story.

106. End everything on a high note.

107. Trust no one in Budapest.

Posted by JD Hull at March 22, 2024 11:59 PM


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