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March 17, 2016
St. Patrick's Day and Irish Guys: Having the Wrong Stuff.
Today is Saint Patrick's Day.
For starters, be advised that real Irish-American males do not wear green on March 17.
They do the same things they do any other day, to wit: (a) get up, (b) inhale aspirin, (c) dress as usual (Dockers, clean "Guinness"-emblazoned golf shirts if there's an important meeting) (d) work, (e) read a little (don't count on Ulysses), (f) head to a real bar (never ones with faux-Irish names like "The Dubliner" or the generic "Irish Bar"), (g) tell stories, (h) listen to some music (rarely Irish tunes), (i) get drunk and (j) fall down on the floor.
I happen to know I'm Irish--maybe too Irish--and as Irish as they come. One great-grandmother, a Belfast Protestant named McQuitty, provides most of the DNA there. In my case, that's 12.5% of my genetic makeup and, believe me, it's enough. If you're not a slam dunk at proving you're Really Irish--e.g., your parents' names are Flanagan and Murphy, and those are their first names--and want to know for sure if you've got the Wrong Stuff, here's a test you can take and decide for yourself:
1. All your brothers and sisters are in Alcoholics Anonymous.
2. You talk incessantly and in your sleep and for no reason.
3. Captivated audiences, juries and Rhodes and Marshall scholarship selection committees take months and often years to realize that nothing you said made sense.
4. Your idea of foreplay is 'I'm home. Brace yourself, Brigit'.
5. Distant relatives in County Cork list "wearing trousers" and "road bowling" on resumes.
6. You read "Angela's Ashes" and secretly dread the first day your long-suffering wife or girlfriend humiliates you in front of your kids, your mates and the rest of the neighborhood.
7. For years after your last appointment psychiatrists beg you to take your money back.
8. You've spent 20 minutes on the phone with long-distance relatives giving a detailed report on your current weather. You hang up, and look out the window to see if you were right.
9. You make fun of Welsh people because they drink too much.
10. You're available at any time to speak at any length about any subject.
Pont Saint-Patrick, Cork 1900
Posted by JD Hull at 01:19 PM | Comments (0)