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September 10, 2010

Mother Jones, you really know how to make a guy sore.

The definition of marriage has never included "man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be." But we forgot (totally) why homosexuality is like bestiality and pedophilia. So time to check in with ex-U.S. senator Rick "Man on [pick animal/child]" Santorum. At Mother Jones, do see "Rick Santorum's Anal Sex Problem".

Posted by Holden Oliver (Kitzbühel Desk) at 12:00 AM | Comments (1)

September 08, 2010

"We like Rahm."

Chicago can wait. And we always have liked former Representative Rahm Emanuel (D-Illinois) but wish he'd put being the Mayor of Chicago on the shelf for a while. See at Politico yesterday's "Hizzoner? Emanuel Must Decide Fast". Our mild-mannered president Obama needs him to remain as Chief of Staff. From a party standpoint, this man is the "Anti-Democrat": Competent and Non-Wimpy. Dems are lucky to have him. He is not afraid to make enemies--most pols are--and he generally upsets/destroys only the "right" people. Bonus: he curses properly and wonderfully--and is in fact ranked in the Western world. (Top six, English/Street Swearing Division, according to Holden Oliver's research.)

Anyway, please talk him out of it, someone--or I'll be turning "R" again. Rahm's just 50. He'll keep. So will the City of Chicago.

Posted by JD Hull at 11:01 PM | Comments (0)

שנה טובה

Posted by JD Hull at 12:00 AM | Comments (0)

September 07, 2010

Wanted: One Huntin' Dog. Then Another.

And Another. Get three or four--and stop hiring. But Buy Boomer. Get stuff done. Resist the low standards of The Net and the CrappySphere. Nothing beats having a Boomer in your office when it's time to get things done. We're loyal, irreverent, and fun. You get energy, hustle, charm, and a nearly overwhelming sense of cultural identity. And we got that woof-woof thing going.

Yes, enthusiasm. We are always seen wagging some serious tail. Hardworking. Generation Moxie. Do-or-die.

And loyal.

But the real difference between "them" and us?

Weenies (by some estimates 98% of current work force, if you include older workers who buy into Gen-Y-style laziness and lack of self-respect)? They go through motions and push buttons on machines--and then say it's "work". The will never make anything, save anything, believe in anything, or even get famous for longer than 3 minutes. They are in love with the sound of their own breathing. Because, well, that's enough for them. (They will never even bark properly.) Low standards re: everything.

Boomers? Boomers will get their hands dirty, try anything to get work done (and are ashamed if they fail), and live to see problems are solved. We'll drool and roll around and make fools of ourselves over Work Done Well. And we love firing people in the morning after a good full moon--"feels like victory..."--even more than we love espresso, raw red meat and killing.

You want something done? Done right? Then Buy Boomer. Consider going straight to the top, for the best, and work from there:

HELP WANTED: Of counsel for growing and energetic Pittsburgh-based boutique business law firm with publicly-traded clients to die for. Candidate must have at least 8 years of highest level federal Exec. Branch experience, world-wide connections, Yale Law degree, one year at Oxford, own money and people skills. Crowd-pleaser. Must be able to sell anything to anyone. And be originally from Hope, Arkansas. State government experience preferred but not required. Same for participation in Renaissance weekends, and fund-raising. United Nations experience also a big plus. You don’t need to re-locate. Happy to set up the office for you. Wherever you want. Harlem or Chappaqua, New York are okay. Or DC. You decide. You can work out of your house. Whatever. NOTE: No previous private law practice experience necessary. Not a problem–no problem at all. Excellent benefits package.

Above: Two intense way-fun boomers getting jazzed about accomplishing hard tasks. Resist the Crappysphere and the Anti-Work wank fest. Woof. OK?

Posted by JD Hull at 11:59 PM | Comments (0)

"All I need is some Tasty Waves, Psilocybin, and I'm Healthy."

Shrooms? Really? Reuters: "Magic Mushrooms May Ease Anxiety of Cancer." Moreover, they say those little plants might make the Blind see. Heal All the Sick. Raise the Dead. And make you set your chickens free--like Fred McDowell once did.

Posted by Holden Oliver (Kitzbühel Desk) at 10:05 PM | Comments (0)

September 05, 2010

Got balls?

"Friend me?"

Whoa. Life sure got smallish, wimpy and squeaky fast.

"Nice guy/lady--just don't get in a foxhole with him/her". We hope that no one has ever said or thought this about you--but it's likely that they already have. We live in a world where about 98% of the time wimpiness and lack of courage are rationalized, stylized, and sold to us as "smart" or "prudent" and even as a "right".

Americans, too, of course. For all our bluster, many of us get weaker, more insubstantial, and more irrelevant every day. We don't meet and talk. We rarely look anyone in the eye. Instead, we type and text, day in and day out: skittish mini-critters running on shiny little treadmills in cages set behind screens and tubes.

Squeak-squeak.

Indeed, Technology has insulated--rather than "unleashed"--many of us. Is this all there is? Dang! Busy but dazed and confused? Whoa. Life sure got small and squeaky fast.

Squeak-squeak, you losers.

"Are we not Men?" Historically, all humans (not just Yanks in de-evolution stages) have routinely sidestepped truth, our real beliefs, and initial urges of loyalty to others. We mean loyalty as automatic and instinctual. Bordering on tribal, almost a pang, and often directed blindly, this "sticking" is the Mere Base Rent you pay for just being here, forming relationships, and taking up space on the planet. It's not "extra credit" or "gravy". You don't get points.

Loyalty can be to true friends based on history--or to virtual strangers out of a sense of justice and quick detection of bs. It is the support and allegiance owing to anyone who we know in a flash, and in our deepest and best selves, deserve our immediate aid and good offices because of fairness, past ties, a promise or an understanding.

It is always situational. You either get it--or you don't.

"Are we not Men?" Welcome to the House of Pain, Mr. Prendick.

Well, hey, at least everyone's doing it--and been doing it for all of recorded history. No shame at all, right? You made average. You're "living small"--but at least you're a true generic. A big relief.

And if you're really and truly in the other 2%, congratulations! But here are two key questions:

1. Do you really know who (a) at work and (b) in your life will "stick" when you need their support?

2. Do you even have to ask them for help--or do they lie in the weeds when you need them the most?

Our advice. Once a week, use your common sense, your passion, or ideally both together, to support someone who deserves it then and there. But do it whether or not it's convenient, or in your interest, to support him or her. (If you can't think of or identify many day-to-day examples of this--at work, in the community, or in the streets--we feel sorry for you. No need for you to ever to read this blog again. You won't get it--not one word.)

You'll not only get scads back. You'll start to learn who you really are.

Posted by JD Hull at 11:59 PM | Comments (0)