March 13, 2017

Encore: Best of Partner Emeritus No. 5. PE Does 'Nam, Cassandra, others (Part II)

I guarantee you one thing. If you work for a peer firm, you will encounter me or someone very much like me. Either way, you cannot avoid the essence of my character if you aspire to succeed at a peer firm. I or some form of my embodiment will exist to make your existence as uncomfortable and unpleasant as it can be.

-- Partner Emeritus, New York City, September 3, 2009

Faithful Above The Law readers know that a 1967 polo injury two weeks before his deployment to Officer Candidate School at Fort Benning, Georgia sidelined Partner Emeritus, later a celebrated patrician New York City law partner, and now revered Dean of the ATL Commentariat, for the entire Vietnam War. This deprived America not only of hundreds more enemy kills during the war's escalation years also of an early and victorious end to the war. "My endgame would have been to round up all the hippie stoners and opium addicts in the States and parachuted them into Vietcong territory," he recently explained. "I would have used the MK Ultra Program to convince the paratroopers that the Vietcong had stolen their drugs and that the opium fields would be their prize for killing every last member of Charlie." Like every great jungle fighter, major corporate exec and bet-the-company trial lawyer, and every generation of males in my own family in America since 1634, Partner Emeritus took the setback in stride and, in a word, improvised.

Here is a bit of military trivia for you. During the early part of the Vietnam War, I used to go to Fort Totten and Fort Hamilton when families and girlfriends were seeing off their "boys" getting shipped to 'Nam. I befriended many young nubile women under the guise that I was a returning veteran who just finished a tour in 'Nam. I almost feel ashamed to admit that I seduced many of these women. It was really easy, especially when I would tell them that the average American G.I. fornicated with diseased Vietnamese whores 3 or 4 times a week.

During an intimate interlude, "Cassandra" received a phone call from her G.I. boyfriend named John, who was on R&R in Singapore. She proceeded to have a conversation with John as she performed fellatio on me. Unfortunately, I could not discipline myself during climax and I exulted loudly in ecstasy. Well John heard me and angrily demanded an explanation. "Cassie" told John that her girlfriend "Jody" was visiting her and she was moaning over menstrual cramps.

A few years later, I discovered that I was immortalized in military folklore when drill instructors warn recruits that while they are suffering in boot camp, their girlfriends back home are being taken care of "Jody."


Ain't no sense in goin' home, Jody's got your girl and gone. Ain't no sense in feeling blue, Jody's got her sister, too.

Posted by JD Hull at 03:12 AM | Comments (0)

October 07, 2016

Redux: O Rare Partner Emeritus.

"O Rare Ben Jonson"

--Words on the gravesite slab of English dramatist and poet Ben Jonson (1572-1637) in Westminster Abbey. Jonson was buried upright, i.e., standing up.

Twenty-five years ago, before The Great Neutering, before attorney gene pools started to dilute, when service professionals were well-rounded, if not classically-educated Renaissance people, when it meant a great deal to be a lawyer, and indeed to be a man, we had practitioners like Partner Emeritus. That is the nom de plume of a retired Brahmin New York City lawyer with an impressive following on the internet and who many culturally illiterate people--i.e., most lawyers these days (sorry, but that is the perfect truth)--apparently simply do not get. He's intimidating and spine-tinglingly scary to the maggotry, a comedic genius and WASP Yoda to the urbane.

Whoever he is--I sense pretty much everything about the way he portrays himself is authentic save his real name--PE has been there and done that (his legal breadth intrigues me) in upper-tier corporate law. And, perhaps, in life. Like me, he is an accomplished and unapologetic philanderer, and occasional cad. Color him, too, a bit picaresque. He is well-read and well-traveled. Two bonus CV points. He acquired and trained two Afghan show hounds. He even played polo, for fuck's sake. And like me, he does love the law, and this profession, which he worries about. At this stage, Partner Emeritus is also an accomplished satirist. A Lenny Bruce for those with Mayflower DNA. Governor-for-Life of Upper Caucasia. A Dean Swift for modern Manhattan.

PE entertains in two distinct, interchanging, modes. You commend his taste, and judgment, when he shifts gears from Satirist to Learned Critic. (You don't know when that is? That shifting? Your problem. Start getting a real education by attending the theatre, visiting art museums and reading Tom Jones, Candide, Huckleberry Finn. Devour Miller, Kubrick, Pope, Orwell. Behold Nabokov, Heller, Huxley, Mencken. View Pieter Bruegel. Listen to Gilbert & Sullivan. Will take years--but it's worth it.) Ninety-five percent of the time--no, I do not agree with his every assessment--he's right on the money about people, places and things. His writing is art. Class art. Informed art. Funny art. He disturbs, and brilliantly.

PE's best gift? It is his instinct for detecting two related (I think) qualities he detests: hypocrisy and mediocrity.

Watch him each week expose the growing cadre of bad actors--i.e., twinkies, teacups, imposters, poseurs, plagiarists, thieves--who regularly shill on ATL's eclectic pages, Partner Emeritus has an instinct for the jugular that is dead-on, lightning fast and funny. If you think--and not merely react--you will learn something. You may feel a bit uncomfortable about how you stack up in this universe. But you should learn something about yourself. Otherwise, try not to blow a tube, or pull a hamstring, laughing.

You can read him and howl along with me most weekdays to his comments to certain articles at Above the Law. For many people, PE is the best thing about David Lat's celebrated and storied website. Excerpts from one wistful ATL comment last week:

Prior to owning a 1981 DeLorean DMC 12, I owned a gorgeous 1979 BMW M1. One Saturday, while my wife was with her family at Martha's Vineyard, I took my car into the city and decided to visit the old Copacabana. There, I met a woman named "Sophia." We drank Dom Perignon and danced Salsa and some disco (I was a maven on the dance floor and could have given John Travolta a run for his money during his "Saturday Night Fever" phase). During that evening, Sophia slipped a drug into my drink. The next thing I know, I woke up with a throbbing headache and my lower body was in pain. Apparently, I had crashed my vehicle into a divider on the Long Island Expressway and Sophia was unconscious next to me. A police cruiser drove by and stopped. I explained to the officer that I had been drugged by the latina woman next to me and that she had robbed me (I made sure to place my wallet in her purse before she regained consciousness).

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We were taken to the local police station where I filed a report against Sophia. My BMW M1 was totaled and impounded. After a few hours, Sophia and I were awkwardly outside the police station at 5AM. I was in excruciating pain but I had hungry eyes for her so I brokered a deal with Sophia. I offered to drop the charges against her if she agreed to get in a cab with me and go back to my estate and make love to me. She agreed. I will never forget that night. I should have gone to an emergency room (pro-tip: cocaine is more effective at numbing pain than morphine) but all I could think of was being with Sophia, who resembled a young Maria Conchita Alonso.

What I would do to be 37 again.

There are times when I think whether I regret that night. A vintage 1979 BMW M1 would fetch me a cool $750K today but then I would have no memory of Sophia. You could say Sophia was probably one of the most expensive hookers in the history of mankind (despite that my insurance carrier covered the NADA value of that beast of a vehicle at the time, it did not compensate me for the future vintage value of that car which I believe only 500 were made), well next to the women who divorce their wealthy husbands and take them to the cleaners.

Original post: July 6, 2015

Posted by JD Hull at 12:23 AM | Comments (0)

October 04, 2016

Partner Emeritus: Associate lawyering, work ethic, time ethic and real life.

Remarks late last year made by one Partner Emeritus in comments to "Old Lady Lawyer: Ageism Knows No Age", a post by Jill Switzer, at David Lat's enduring Above the Law:

When I was at the firm, I made it known that junior associates were prohibited from talking to me unless I initiated the conversation. There was a simple reason for this policy. I was there to make money and generate business.

Talking with associates was a waste of time as I was not there to assist with their professional development. The firm had other programs for that.

The firm is a business, it is not a goddamn camp Snoopy or the psychic friends network. If you want to network for business under the guise of being "social," do it on your time, not mine.

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Best of PE 3.19.2016


Posted by JD Hull at 12:13 AM | Comments (0)

September 26, 2016

Best of Partner Emeritus: On the Sanctity of Associate Lawyer Privacy Rights.

If you work for a peer firm, you will encounter me or someone very much like me. I or some form of my embodiment will exist to make your existence as uncomfortable and unpleasant as it can be.

-- Partner Emeritus, New York City, September 3, 2009

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I've loved practicing law. After three years of working on Capitol Hill, I became one of two associates in the small DC branch office of a now-defunct Pennsylvania firm. They gave me a wonderfully eclectic mix of work to do: environmental litigation, energy law, U.S. Supreme Court practice and lobbying for coal companies and banks. In two years the DC office merged with a bigger DC-based firm. We went from 10 to 35 lawyers. And I went from a window office on Eye and 15th, N.W. off McPherson Square to a smaller no-window office three blocks down the street at International Square. I was a 4th or 5th year associate. I didn't complain. I drew a picture of a sun and posted it on the wall.

Meanwhile, up in New York City, and at about the same time, Partner Emeritus' white shoe firm was negotiating a lease renewal--and the Great Man would have gone one step further:

Back in the early '80s when my firm negotiated its lease renewal, I ardently advocated to take less space as I thought placing associates in offices was a waste of resources. Offices are for closers and relevant playmakers who need personalized space to entertain clients. Given that young associates are not permitted to directly interact with clients, there is simply no need for them to have offices.

One of my pet peeves when I was at the firm was the contumacious habit of associates who closed their doors. Whenever I saw an associate's door closed, I assumed he/she was doing one of the following: 1) taking a nap; 2) checking their private email account (e.g., Ashley Madison, etc.); 3) masturbating; 4) engaging in personal phone calls; or, 5) watching internet porn.

As far as I am concerned, associates do not require privacy unless they are on the commode. I personally took a note of all the associates who closed their doors and would often reprimand them or make a notation on their annual review. If it were up to me, I would have had the building maintenance crew remove the doors off of the hinges but I was outvoted on the matter.

I prefer that associates and non-equity partners share the window cubicles. This way, the partners and staff can easily monitor how busy associates are. Moreover, the window cubicles will keep associates on their toes and prevent them from slacking off.

And please spare me the argument that window cubicles dehumanizes associates by making them feel like zoo animals on display. Unlike the animals in the zoo, trust me, no one wants to waste time watching troglodytes push paper.

--Comment by Partner Emeritus to an article by my friend boy wonder David Lat on August 28, 2015 at Above the Law entitled "More Bad News For Biglaw Associates?"


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3rd year associates share 'premium' window cubicle in 1987 (J. Riis).

Copyright 2015 J. Daniel Hull, Ellen Jane Bry, ____ Doe. Best of Partner Emeritus (#6)

Posted by JD Hull at 11:16 PM | Comments (0)

August 17, 2016

Partner Emeritus at ATLS: The Banning of Steven Dean.

Partner Emeritus, the much-beloved Dean Swift of Above The Law Surrogate (ATLS), reports on strange and depraved behavior--even by American lawyer standards--at one of the Internet's lawyer forums. See PE's article yesterday on The Banning of Steven Dean.

Posted by JD Hull at 08:05 PM | Comments (0)

August 10, 2016

Best of ATL Surrogate's Partner Emeritus: PE Does 'Nam.

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If you work for a peer firm, you will encounter me or someone very much like me. [Y]ou cannot avoid the essence of my character if you aspire to succeed... I or some form of my embodiment will exist to make your existence as uncomfortable and unpleasant as it can be. Welcome to the legal profession you self-entitled nimrods have created.

--Partner Emeritus, commenting at Above The Law, 2009

There is a reason that my late Union Street, Nantucket neighbor David Halberstam did not devote a chapter or two in his highly admired The Best and the Brightest to my friend Partner Emeritus, celebrated Dean of Above the Law's Commentariat. Sometimes, a Polo injury at Meadowbrook will change the course of world history--and not for the better:

I remember the Summer before the Tet Offensive so vividly.

I recall entering the MEPS station at Fort Hamilton in Brooklyn where I took my physical examination, which was a requirement prior to being shipped out to OCS. I wanted to serve my country and kick g**k posterior so badly that I even let a proctologist stick his index finger in my rectum while I coughed. Alas, a Polo accident caused me to incur a hairline fracture in my pelvis and I was disqualified from service just two weeks from my deployment date.

I am confident that had I gone to 'Nam, I would have deployed a strategy that would have won that war. They don't teach this at the Army War College but my endgame to the Vietnam War would have been to round up all the hippie stoners and opium addicts in the States and parachuted them into Vietcong territory. I would have used the MK Ultra Program to convince the paratroopers that the Vietcong had stolen their drugs and that the opium fields would be their prize for killing every last member of Charlie.

West Point would have been renamed after me but I accept that God had other plans for me (i.e., conquering the legal profession and establishing myself as a legal icon).

--PE comment to 3 Things Law Students And Young Lawyers Can Learn From Podcaster-In-Chief Marc Maron, ATL June 26, 2015.

Even more than about Charlie, what Partner Emeritus worries about most is gene pool dilution and mediocrity in the legal profession. We will get to that soon enough. First, though, we'll do a few posts about PE's younger years, including a few sexual adventures during the 1960s-1980s. In the meantime, below is the famous negotiation between Yank actor Matthew Modine as "Joker" and British actress Papillon Soo Soo as "the Da Nang hooker" in Stanley Kubrick's 1987 war satire Full Metal Jacket.


Posted by JD Hull at 11:24 AM | Comments (0)

July 07, 2016

Best of Partner Emeritus No. 3: Summering Correctly in Gotham.

Two days ago our hero Partner Emeritus commented in response to an Above the Law piece on summer associate offers:

It's a sad world we live in where kids think they are having the time of their lives by raising bottles of Korbel champagne adorned with cheap sparklers. The video [in the ATL article] is proof that law firms are not celebrating like it was 1984 or 2007 for that matter.

When I was a younger partner, I would take a handful of summer associates to Smith & Wollensky or Peter Luger's in Brooklyn and then party hard at the VIP lounge at Flash Dancers ('80s) or Scores ('90s). Most of the summer associates were caught in compromising positions during these soirees. For example, I had many Polaroids with SAs who were photographed in salacious positions with female entertainers. I even photographed a few doing lines of coke in the VIP lounge.

Once the summer associates became associates I would bring them into my office and give them copies of the Polaroids and remind them that I was the last person they ever wanted to cross if they wanted to keep their job or law license. Most of these folks became partners, which proves my methods for inspiring peak performance were quite effective.

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Photo taken in 1986 believed to be PE instructing summer associates Photo: Paramount Pictures).

Posted by JD Hull at 11:56 PM | Comments (0)

April 17, 2016

Partner Emeritus, We Love You Long Time.

At his new home at ATL Surrogate this week, Partner Emeritus discussed mindfulness:

These days, I practice mindfulness by going to an Oriental massage parlor adorned in a silk kimono. I usually go for the "kneading" massage on my staff. For extra stimulation, I have the madame of the house play 2 Live Crew's "Me so horny" in the background. Best $25 spent in NYC ever.

Posted by JD Hull at 07:08 AM | Comments (0)

March 02, 2016

Partner Emeritus: On the State of the Legal Profession.

If you are a lawyer who loves what he or she does for great clients, you may have more worries these days about the future than what happens after Super Tuesday. See comments last week at David Lat's Above The Law made by the incomparable, highly-regarded Partner Emeritus, a New York City-based patrician BigLaw god and North Star to serious corporate lawyers, and cherished friend, to the post "What Happens When Gunfire Breaks Out During The Bar Exam?" Excerpts:

I have seen the end of this profession. Currently the cabal of law school deans and the ABA are pushing for a uniform bar exam which will segue into a no bar exam standard (e.g., Wisconsin). Today the GRE will replace the LSAT. Tomorrow the TOEFL will replace the GRE as the law school entrance exam.

Lately, I have refrained from visiting courtrooms as all I see is mediocrity running amok with tablets and iphones. Two months ago, I witnessed the following exchange between a young "lawyer" and a judge:

Young Lawyer: "Judge, I just googled this issue and found a case which supports our position."

Judge: "Counselor, are you aware of our Electronics Device policy? You cannot operate that device without prior consent. Did you obtain consent?"

Young Lawyer: "Your honor, the courthouse has open public wifi, if it really wanted to restrict access, the clerk of the court would have set a password."

Judge: [Shaking his head in disbelief], "Counselor, that is beside the point and the case you 'googled' was reversed last August by the appellate court."

Young Lawyer: "Judge, can you provide the appellate court's decision? Google did not find that case and says my originally cited case is still good law."

After witnessing that exchange, I lost all hope for this profession. Even if scientists were able to clone me a million times, the profession is beyond repair. Heaven help us.

And even more poignantly:

Dan, we've lost the good fight. Look around you. The Golden Age of Law will never return. We will always have memories of they heydays in the '80s. We live in a society where the average citizen believes Donald Trump is a legitimate GOP candidate (he is not, he is a Hitlery Clinton operative who was set up to run as a candidate to sabotage the GOP) and will vote for Hitlery because she is a woman and it makes us feel good inside when we vote for the "underdog." Look how that worked out for AmeriKa when it elected the first Black man to be the Kommissar. We are doomed Dan. When Hitlery becomes the Regina Kommissar, I will become an ex-pat in a remote country and watch this country become consumed in conflagrations. I hope you have your exit plan already mapped out.

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Partner Emeritus

Posted by JD Hull at 12:27 PM | Comments (0)

December 24, 2015

Partner Emeritus: On Half-Windsor Knots, Bow Ties and Real Men.

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Last week, in the comments of an article at Above the Law by Shannon Achimalbe entitled Guess Who Else is Reading Your Legal Blog?, our muse, hero and law god Partner Emeritus was asked out of the blue (and by yours truly) about half-Windsor knots versus full-Windsor knots in straight ties for men. He answered:

Full Windsor is credited. If you were with a "10" model, would you give her a "half" or "full" effort?

As subsequent comments that day reflect, I and many others were grateful for the answer and advice.

But that apparently got the Great Man thinking about bow-ties, which unbeknown (hopefully) to him I've worn myself frequently over the past 30 years. An hour later he also commented:

For the record, I always thought males who donned bow ties (exception: Nation of Islam) and half Windsor knotted ties were queer and it was a subtle call sign to other like minded depraved monsters. So Dan, perhaps the folks you see on K Street sporting the half Windsor are looking to swallow or ride the baloney pony; after all, AmeriKa has been on the buggery express ever since the Kommissar seized the reins of power.

So I am rethinking bow ties. And to be honest, I felt funny when I wore a bow tie one day last week and two days this week. Normally I don't care about what anyone says. But with PE, it's just different. As you know, Rhodes scholars, SCOTUS clerks, polymaths and Renaissance men around the world would kill for his fleeting approval on anything. Word is that even Brad Pitt looks to PE on how to dress his children.

I keep thinking. Bow ties. Is there something wrong with me?

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J. Daniel Hull, Budapest, before the Great Neutering.

Posted by JD Hull at 03:13 AM | Comments (0)

October 11, 2015

The Manhattan we loved long-time: "It's Chinatown, Your Honor."

Just 20 years ago, before The Great Neutering had squeezed the last bit of edge and play out of Western males, a first-chair lawyer in the middle of a four-week commercial trial defending the hallowed likes of Lever Bros, GM or IBM in the Southern District of Manhattan could still walk a few blocks north and set all his chickens free during a short court recess:

If it weren't for the massage parlors on Mulberry and Bayard Streets, I would not have been a successful trial attorney. I cannot count the numerous times I trekked to those establishments during a short recess or lunch break in the middle of a trial. After my happy ending, I would come back to court reinvigorated and re-energized. I really miss the pre-Giuliani days of NYC.

--Partner Emeritus, October 2, 2015 at Above The Law

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Before Guiliani and The Great Neutering: Mulberry Street, NYC, c. 1900.

Posted by JD Hull at 12:59 AM | Comments (0)

August 29, 2015

Law Profession Quote of the Year.

"As far as I am concerned, associates do not require privacy unless they are on the commode."

--Partner Emeritus commenting to More Bad News For Biglaw Associates? by David Lat at Above the Law

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Photo taken in August 1986 believed to be PE.

Posted by JD Hull at 08:14 PM | Comments (0)

August 27, 2015

Everyone goes to Rick's.

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Posted by JD Hull at 11:27 PM | Comments (0)

August 21, 2015

Best of Partner Emeritus No. 4: Is Above the Law's Partner Emeritus "real"?

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[Y]ou can continue to discredit or dismiss me as a character. I guarantee you one thing. If you work for a peer firm, you will encounter me or someone very much like me. Either way, you cannot avoid the essence of my character if you aspire to succeed at a peer firm. I or some form of my embodiment will exist to make your existence as uncomfortable and unpleasant as it can be.

-- Partner Emeritus, New York City, September 3, 2009

So what's the answer?

My take from reading scores of his comments to Above the Law posts since 2009 is that wonderfully elitist satirist, humorist, legal commenter Quality Guardian and faux lawyerness self-esteem killer Partner Emeritus (sometimes hereinafter "PE")--except for his nom de plume--is completely real. Note that he generally reserves his aim and fury to those he considers to be the legal profession's law cattle. He rarely takes a shot at anyone discussed in ATL, or published in ATL as a columnist, if that human appears to have substance, chops, solid ideas, real experience, pedigree and in some cases writing ability, e.g., well-respected and accomplished litigator Mark Hermann, former Cleveland-based (mother ship) Jones Day partner, author of a very fine book on lawyering and currently GC to a real company.

For today's teaching, edition no. 4 of our series The Best of Partner Emeritus, please go to "Partner Emeritus, Meet Biff–You Could Learn Something" by ATL editor Elie Mystal six years ago. I like Elie and, unlike PE, I like most of his writing--Elie's interesting, and at times astoundingly creative. His relatively short article of September 3, 2009 was itself was creditable and evenhanded. And while PE didn't agree with it, he didn't seem to have that much of a problem with it. Elie's article that day was not an example of what PE does not like and is brutally honest about in his criticisms, to wit: (a) a navel-gazing, condescendingly insulting or plain crap column by a representative of the law cattle world, (b) a writing by a dink poseur with no or questionable legal experience and/or credentials who compensates by mentioning the classics and their authors, (c) a writing by a struggling legal tech salesman, (d) a writing by an angry, passive aggressive "mommy lawyer" who advocates special treatment for women and other lawyers of the non-workaholic persuasion, (e) a writing by a marginal lawyer and/or straight-up fraud who steals ideas, style and even tone from seasoned writers or who purports to understand all manners of otherness, Eastern/Western culture, thought and spirituality, and who pitch this nonsense to other poorly educated, unread, untraveled, insecure, marginal lawyers, (f) a writing by a woman called Smokestack Lightning from Memphis, and (g) a writing any one named Biff from Prichard, Alabama or thereabouts.

But the PE's comments to the Mystal piece give you a good idea of what PE is about and not about. So read the main article, get some context and listen up, Campers:

This comment is addressed to post no. 54 [who theorized PE was a fake]. Rest assured, I am not a character. Mr. Mystal has seen my ip address and he can confirm I am the real deal. Even he would not be so harebrained to address a fictional character.

Several of you cretins have tried to ascertain my identity by going to Rick's Cabaret and pester the bouncer with questions such as "who is partner emeritus?" or "what time does partner emeritus get here?" Do you realize how foolish you look asking these puerile questions? I value my anonymity since my comments on this site may be assailed by some of the junior partners at the firm that want to retire me involuntarily. As a lawyer with an impeccable legacy, I will decide when I am good and ready to leave the firm on my own terms.

Regardless, you can continue to discredit or dismiss me as a character. I guarantee you one thing. If you work for a peer firm, you will encounter me or someone very much like me. Either way, you cannot avoid the essence of my character if you aspire to succeed at a peer firm. I or some form of my embodiment will exist to make your existence as uncomfortable and unpleasant as it can be. Welcome to the legal profession you self-entitled nimrods have created.

And this one to the same article, this time on the difference between peer and non-peer firms which, in context, is, well, just King-Hell funny:

Mr. Mystal, if I were managing a firm in Timbutku or some swampland region in Florida and I employed members of my family or tribe, of course I would do my best to keep them happy. After all, blood is thicker than water. I would like to think that even you would know the difference between a peer and a non-peer firm. A peer firm does not recruit at [PE's expletive deleted] or any law school in [expletive deleted], unless it is for a satelite office. Did you ever ask yourself when was the last time Biff gave his staff/associates a raise? I have nothing to learn from someone named "Biff" or someone that dons a toupe and a tacky button down collared shirt. I will remain a staunch and ardent proponent of the hybrid tough love model. And, how dare you sully the memory of the great Ronald Reagan? The 80's was the best decade of my life. A great time to be a lawyer. Under Obama, being a young lawyer means leading a spartan existence, filled with penury and shame. Mr. Mystal, I frown on your attempt to one up me with a non-peer attorney from the South named Biff.

That is all.

What say you, Campers?

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Law as an honor, privilege and backstage pass to the World.

Posted by JD Hull at 01:05 PM | Comments (0)

July 25, 2015

Best of Partner Emeritus No. 2: PE Does 'Nam.

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If you work for a peer firm, you will encounter me or someone very much like me. [Y]ou cannot avoid the essence of my character if you aspire to succeed... I or some form of my embodiment will exist to make your existence as uncomfortable and unpleasant as it can be. Welcome to the legal profession you self-entitled nimrods have created.

--Partner Emeritus, commenting at Above The Law, 2009

There is a reason that my late Union Street, Nantucket neighbor David Halberstam did not devote a chapter or two in his highly admired The Best and the Brightest to my friend Partner Emeritus, celebrated Dean of Above the Law's Commentariat. Sometimes, a Polo injury at Meadowbrook will change the course of world history--and not for the better:

I remember the Summer before the Tet Offensive so vividly.

I recall entering the MEPS station at Fort Hamilton in Brooklyn where I took my physical examination, which was a requirement prior to being shipped out to OCS. I wanted to serve my country and kick g**k posterior so badly that I even let a proctologist stick his index finger in my rectum while I coughed. Alas, a Polo accident caused me to incur a hairline fracture in my pelvis and I was disqualified from service just two weeks from my deployment date.

I am confident that had I gone to 'Nam, I would have deployed a strategy that would have won that war. They don't teach this at the Army War College but my endgame to the Vietnam War would have been to round up all the hippie stoners and opium addicts in the States and parachuted them into Vietcong territory. I would have used the MK Ultra Program to convince the paratroopers that the Vietcong had stolen their drugs and that the opium fields would be their prize for killing every last member of Charlie.

West Point would have been renamed after me but I accept that God had other plans for me (i.e., conquering the legal profession and establishing myself as a legal icon).

--PE comment to 3 Things Law Students And Young Lawyers Can Learn From Podcaster-In-Chief Marc Maron, ATL June 26, 2015.

Even more than about Charlie, what Partner Emeritus worries about most is gene pool dilution and mediocrity in the legal profession. We will get to that soon enough. First, though, we'll do a few posts about PE's younger years, including a few sexual adventures during the 1960s-1980s. In the meantime, below is the famous negotiation between Yank actor Matthew Modine as "Joker" and British actress Papillon Soo Soo as "the Da Nang hooker" in Stanley Kubrick's 1987 war satire Full Metal Jacket.


Posted by JD Hull at 11:59 PM | Comments (2)

July 16, 2015

The Best of Partner Emeritus: "I own a dog so I can understand how to be patient with associates."

If you work for a peer firm, you will encounter me or someone very much like me. [Y]ou cannot avoid the essence of my character if you aspire to succeed... I or some form of my embodiment will exist to make your existence as uncomfortable and unpleasant as it can be. Welcome to the legal profession you self-entitled nimrods have created.

--Partner Emeritus, commenting at Above The Law, 2009

To the dismay of many, Partner Emeritus, the urbane, well-heeled lawyer, writer, satirist, culture critic, enemy of the militantly mediocre and hands-down Dean Swift of Above the Law's wise if wonderfully deranged Commentariat, has caught this blog's attention. With humility and honor, we today announce that "Best of Partner Emeritus" will be a feature and its own category here at What About Clients/Paris? Probably forever.

Among other subjects, we will spotlight PE's views on dogs, lawyers, brothels, sexual techniques and remedial programs for broken GenY JDs with Tourettes, Sydenham's chorea and/or lifelong spine problems.

We begin simply. We love a short but busy comment PE just made about his dog Simeon and his love for dogs--which for our money are about the best thing on this fourth-rate planet anyway. It follows from yesterday's ATL piece, Prosecutor’s Pooch Spawns Epic Email Bitchfest by ATL's founder, ageless boy wonder and polymath David Lat:

Everyone here on ATL knows I am a dog lover. In the early '90s, a German colleague suggested that I own a dog so I can understand how to be patient with associates. I purchased my first Afghan hound, the late Algernon, in 1995 and I trained him to be a show dog champion. Algernon then sired my current canine companion, Simeon, who was a favorite to win the 2008 Westminster Dog Show before someone sabotaged his chances by slipping contaminated food in his kennel the night before the competition commenced.

This all being said, the AUSA who complains about doing his job on the weekend is in the wrong here. The workplace is not his home and he simply cannot act as if he were home (e.g., take off his mustard stained chinos and walk around in his underwear, etc.). Moreover, what if the dog bites a co-worker? Can the co-worker file a workman's compensation claim or does the lout who brought his dog to the office have separate liability insurance for the dog? As much as I detest government bureaucrats, I have to side with the dragon lady office manager in this dogfight.

Afghan-Hound-Black-Free-Picture.jpg
Simeon cruising London's Hyde Park?

The Best of Partner Emeritus: Introduction/No. 1

Posted by JD Hull at 02:52 PM | Comments (1)